[This devotion is a shortened, edited version of the sermon preached December 29, 2019, our fortieth wedding anniversary. You can listen to that sermon via this link.]

In the afternoon of December 29, 1979, Beth and I were married.

Though we didn’t really understand what was happening, in that ceremony God made the two one (Matthew 19:6).

In the following days, we spent some time at Surfside Beach, pondering what had happened. I had thought that since we already loved each other, since we already were committed to each other, the ceremony would just act to formalize our relationship for others; the relationship itself wouldn’t change all that much.

How wrong I was. How ignorant of biblical truth. I began to get a taste of that truth during those days at Surfside.

As Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina concerning a fight between spouses early in a good marriage:

It was then that [Levin] clearly understood for the first time what he had failed to understand when he led [Kitty] out of the church after the wedding. He understood that she was not only close to him, but that he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He realized it from the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he experienced at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized that he could not be offended with her because she was himself.

Beth and I have been one now for forty years. Out of that unity, I want to fulfill Romans 12:10 by showing honor to Beth, this excellent wife, via Proverbs 31.

In Proverbs 7, a father warns his son against the allure and call of an adulterous wife. In contrast, Proverbs 8 consists of the call of another woman: Wisdom personified. Lady Wisdom says that to fear the Lord not only leads to our avoiding evil but to our hating it (Proverbs 8:13).

Then Proverbs 9 presents both Lady Wisdom and Dame Folly calling out to us. Wisdom calls us to find true life in following God; Folly calls us to rebel against Him, which leads to death.

So we must listen to Lady Wisdom, wisdom personified, and reject Dame Folly.

Proverbs 31 concludes the book, and once again calls upon us to look to a woman for wisdom. But in this chapter we look not to wisdom personified in the abstract, but to wisdom lived out in our mothers and our wives. This chapter gives us examples of different ways wives and mothers are like Lady Wisdom, so that we might learn to live wisely ourselves day by day, whether we are male or female, old or young, married or single.

So now let’s turn to the text. I’ll identify nine characteristics of the excellent wife, and share some examples of how Beth lives the out.

First: The excellent wife is wise, fearing the Lord

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

The theme of Proverbs is that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom. Thus, we should train our daughters and sons to have such fear, and praise those who live it out.

But often instead we reserve our greatest praise of others for their charm and physical beauty.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with charm and beauty. However, Dame Folly can appear charming and beautiful. Thus charm and beauty can be deceitful, for they promise what they on their own cannot deliver: endless joy in delighting in physical beauty or an engaging personality. Physical beauty will fade; every personality is flawed – for all have sinned. So if you trust in charm and physical beauty, you will be disappointed.

Understand: It is good and right for me to delight in Beth’s physical beauty; it is good and right for me to be attracted by her charm. Indeed, I should cultivate those desires, and deepen them towards her (see this sermon on Proverbs 5 and 6 text audio). But her beauty and charm are not deceptive because she fears the Lord, because she has biblical wisdom. So that is the most important reason to praise her

Second: The wife is excellent and strong

“An excellent wife who can find?”  (Proverbs 31:10). “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:29). Other translations render the the word translated “excellent” as “noble” or “virtuous.” Yet the underlying Hebrew word includes a connotation that none of those English words communicate: Strong. Indeed, “strength” is the root meaning of the Hebrew word. It is used, for example of Gideon in the phrase translated “mighty man of valor” (Judges 6:12). One translator thus translates the word, “valiant.”

The wife’s strength is emphasized in Proverbs 31:17 (“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong”) and Proverbs 31:25 (“Strength and dignity [or ‘majesty’]) are her clothing.”)

So this woman is virtuous, honorable, and strong; she has the moral character and fortitude to be a blessing to her family and to her society.

I could tell multiple stories of Beth displaying such strength, but one in particular stands out. In August of 2001, we flew to Cameroon to serve for an academic year at a seminary. The day after our arrival, we apportioned our sixteen boxes of luggage and six children in two vans to make the eight-hour drive from Douala to Bamenda. I was in the van driven by Victor, together with three sons including our youngest, six-year-old Joel. The other van with Beth and the rest of the family had left Douala prior to us.

About two hours into the trip, we came around a corner to find a pickup laden with fruit making a U-turn right in front of us. Victor tried to avoid the vehicle, but we hit the right rear of the truck hard. Something smashed the windshield; our luggage rammed forward, breaking the anchors in the rear seat, pushing it against the front seats. I jumped out of the car and opened the rear door. My two older boys were shaken and somewhat bloodied, but seemed ok. Joel, however, had a deep puncture wound in his leg. The calf was hard as a rock from internal bleeding. I feared it might be broken.

In an unfamiliar country, with an injured child, uncertain of what to do, I was at a loss. But by the grace of God the other van, having stopped at a computer store, arrived about five minutes after the accident.

Beth immediately displayed her strength. Churning on the inside, she remained calm. She was steady. She was decisive. Joel did not seem to be in immediate danger – we could go on to Bamenda where much better medical care was available.

That night in an email to supporters, I wrote: “[I was] so thankful to have her there, with her always cool head and uncommon good sense.”

Strength and dignity are her clothing.

Third: The excellent wife is trustworthy

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

Verse 12 is the foundation of verse 11. Because the husband knows she is doing him good, not harm, always, he trusts her.

At one point a few years ago I was upset about something Beth had said or done that could be interpreted as unsupportive. I felt as if she wasn’t behind me. So I communicated this to her at some length. When I finally stopped talking, she initially didn’t say anything, instead just looking at me. Then very calmly, very graciously, she simply said, “After all these years, don’t you know me?”

I did know her then – and she called me back to what I knew.

I trust her completely. I can hardly imagine not trusting her.

Fourth: The excellent wife speaks wisdom

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:26)

It’s possible to be wise without communicating that wisdom. Wise instruction is as important as wise actions.

The phrase rendered “teaching of kindness” in the ESV is difficult to translate; others render it “law of kindness,” “faithful instruction,” or “loving instruction.” The main idea: How do you live a life of loyal love before your spouse, your family, your neighbors, and society?

Titus 2:3-4 gives a partial answer: Older women are “to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children.” It has been my great privilege to see Beth live this out in private conversations, in pre-marital counseling, in crisis counseling, and in our family.

Fifth: The excellent wife is a diligent provider

The point here is not simply that she meets physical needs. Rather, she loves her family by providing food and clothing.

Much of the chapter details how she does this:

• She “works with willing hands” (Proverbs 31:13)
• “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27)
• She brings food, makes cloth, makes bed coverings, and sells garments she has made (Proverbs 31:14, 19, 22, 24)
• “She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household” (Proverbs 31:15)

We all are faced with an abundance of temptations to fritter away our time. We can spend hours and hours flipping through items on our phone, seeking entertainment and thrills, keeping up with the latest news or gossip or sports information, to no good effect.

Beth is much like this Proverbs 31 wife. A relaxing evening for her is spent in her sewing studio, or reading a good book – often a book recommended by one of her children or friends, thus deepening that relationship.

Sixth: Through her diligence, her household is safe and secure

• “She laughs at the time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).
• “She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet (Proverbs 31:21).

These verses help us properly interpret this often misunderstood verse:

“Her lamp does not go out at night” (Proverbs 31:18).

Verse 18 refers not to her diligence, but to the security of her household. The lamp of the household’s prosperity continues even in dark times

Remember, Scripture tells us proper sleep is a gift of God: “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2). Proverbs 31 commends disciplined, productive work, accompanied by restful sleep, as you trust in the Lord.

Seventh: She is generous and sincerely concerned

“She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20).

Generosity includes much more than providing monetary support. We can give money and not be “generous” in a biblical sense (see this sermon from 2014 text audio).

Beth lives out the showing of sincere concern in practical ways. Several years ago she reached out to a young Burmese mother. After learning who she was and what she was missing, she began to teach her to sew. Now the Make Welcome sewing ministry teaches dozens of students; many make clothes for themselves and their families, and several graduates are employed doing what they love.

Make Welcome is about much more than money and clothes, however. The time together produces joy, smiles, friendships, healing, safety – and they all hear of Jesus, whatever their religious background.

Eighth: The excellent wife blesses her husband

“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31:23)

The husband is respected because of what he has become through his wife. Just so in our marriage. I am a far better pastor, a far better father, and a far better son because of who Beth is, because of how she has influenced me, because of how God has changed me through her.

Ninth: So her family praises her

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:28-29)

What does the husband mean by, “You surpass them all”?

He is not making an objective, comparative statement of fact: “I have investigated all other wives, all other women, and you come out on top!” That would be impossible – but that also would be of zero importance in God’s economy (rather akin to Jesus’ disciples arguing about who is the greatest).

Rather, “You surpass them all” is similar to the statement about sexual desire in Proverbs 5:19:  “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” It is good and right for my sexual desires to flow deeply towards Beth; indeed, I should work to deepen those desires, yet keep them well-channeled toward her alone.

So the message from Proverbs 5 is: “I have the privilege of knowing you sexually in ways no one else can, and I have the deepest delight in who you are, who we are together.”

The similar message of Proverbs 31 is: “I have the privilege of knowing your character, your love, your wisdom in ways no one else can, and I have the deepest delight in who you are, who we are together.”

And to you, Beth, I add: Some can give an appearance of deep wisdom and love for others. I see you at all times – I see you even at your worst. And I praise you for genuine wisdom and genuine love.

So husbands and families: Delight in the way God has used and strengthened your excellent wife or mother. Thank Him for her fear of Him for the wisdom she therefore has. State your appreciation for the role she plays in society, in your family, and in your personal life.

So here we are, forty years into our marriage. God took two naïve young people and made us one; He has guarded that unity these four decades. Maybe He will give us another four decades of marriage. Maybe we have little additional time together.

But, Beth: To live as one with you has been a huge privilege. I delight in who you are, in how you reflect the person of Jesus, in how you love me when I am unlovable, in your gracious wisdom and diligent service, in your genuine beauty and enduring charm, in your love for our Savior and your delight in Him.

Thank you for forty years of ever-deepening delight.

All of you, ask: What other women do I know who exemplify some aspects of this practical wisdom?

• Praise them.
• Emulate them.
• Encourage them.
• Listen to their instruction in how to love.

For the excellent wife of Proverbs 31 fears the Lord. She knows that apart from God’s grace, there is no hope for her and others. She knows that Lady Wisdom is a pointer to Jesus: He calls. He says, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). The excellent wife knows rest is found nowhere else, only endless striving or destructive dissipation. She knows that various deceitful calls of Folly all lead us away from dependence on the Lord Jesus.

So listen to her. Like her, fear the Lord. And thereby deserve the praise that accords to the excellent wife.