My Excellent Wife, My Valentine

[This devotion is a shortened, edited version of the sermon preached December 29, 2019, our fortieth wedding anniversary. You can listen to that sermon via this link.]

In the afternoon of December 29, 1979, Beth and I were married.

Though we didn’t really understand what was happening, in that ceremony God made the two one (Matthew 19:6).

In the following days, we spent some time at Surfside Beach, pondering what had happened. I had thought that since we already loved each other, since we already were committed to each other, the ceremony would just act to formalize our relationship for others; the relationship itself wouldn’t change all that much.

How wrong I was. How ignorant of biblical truth. I began to get a taste of that truth during those days at Surfside.

As Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina concerning a fight between spouses early in a good marriage:

It was then that [Levin] clearly understood for the first time what he had failed to understand when he led [Kitty] out of the church after the wedding. He understood that she was not only close to him, but that he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He realized it from the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he experienced at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized that he could not be offended with her because she was himself.

Beth and I have been one now for forty years. Out of that unity, I want to fulfill Romans 12:10 by showing honor to Beth, this excellent wife, via Proverbs 31.

In Proverbs 7, a father warns his son against the allure and call of an adulterous wife. In contrast, Proverbs 8 consists of the call of another woman: Wisdom personified. Lady Wisdom says that to fear the Lord not only leads to our avoiding evil but to our hating it (Proverbs 8:13).

Then Proverbs 9 presents both Lady Wisdom and Dame Folly calling out to us. Wisdom calls us to find true life in following God; Folly calls us to rebel against Him, which leads to death.

So we must listen to Lady Wisdom, wisdom personified, and reject Dame Folly.

Proverbs 31 concludes the book, and once again calls upon us to look to a woman for wisdom. But in this chapter we look not to wisdom personified in the abstract, but to wisdom lived out in our mothers and our wives. This chapter gives us examples of different ways wives and mothers are like Lady Wisdom, so that we might learn to live wisely ourselves day by day, whether we are male or female, old or young, married or single.

So now let’s turn to the text. I’ll identify nine characteristics of the excellent wife, and share some examples of how Beth lives the out.

First: The excellent wife is wise, fearing the Lord

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

The theme of Proverbs is that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom. Thus, we should train our daughters and sons to have such fear, and praise those who live it out.

But often instead we reserve our greatest praise of others for their charm and physical beauty.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with charm and beauty. However, Dame Folly can appear charming and beautiful. Thus charm and beauty can be deceitful, for they promise what they on their own cannot deliver: endless joy in delighting in physical beauty or an engaging personality. Physical beauty will fade; every personality is flawed – for all have sinned. So if you trust in charm and physical beauty, you will be disappointed.

Understand: It is good and right for me to delight in Beth’s physical beauty; it is good and right for me to be attracted by her charm. Indeed, I should cultivate those desires, and deepen them towards her (see this sermon on Proverbs 5 and 6 text audio). But her beauty and charm are not deceptive because she fears the Lord, because she has biblical wisdom. So that is the most important reason to praise her

Second: The wife is excellent and strong

“An excellent wife who can find?”  (Proverbs 31:10). “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:29). Other translations render the the word translated “excellent” as “noble” or “virtuous.” Yet the underlying Hebrew word includes a connotation that none of those English words communicate: Strong. Indeed, “strength” is the root meaning of the Hebrew word. It is used, for example of Gideon in the phrase translated “mighty man of valor” (Judges 6:12). One translator thus translates the word, “valiant.”

The wife’s strength is emphasized in Proverbs 31:17 (“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong”) and Proverbs 31:25 (“Strength and dignity [or ‘majesty’]) are her clothing.”)

So this woman is virtuous, honorable, and strong; she has the moral character and fortitude to be a blessing to her family and to her society.

I could tell multiple stories of Beth displaying such strength, but one in particular stands out. In August of 2001, we flew to Cameroon to serve for an academic year at a seminary. The day after our arrival, we apportioned our sixteen boxes of luggage and six children in two vans to make the eight-hour drive from Douala to Bamenda. I was in the van driven by Victor, together with three sons including our youngest, six-year-old Joel. The other van with Beth and the rest of the family had left Douala prior to us.

About two hours into the trip, we came around a corner to find a pickup laden with fruit making a U-turn right in front of us. Victor tried to avoid the vehicle, but we hit the right rear of the truck hard. Something smashed the windshield; our luggage rammed forward, breaking the anchors in the rear seat, pushing it against the front seats. I jumped out of the car and opened the rear door. My two older boys were shaken and somewhat bloodied, but seemed ok. Joel, however, had a deep puncture wound in his leg. The calf was hard as a rock from internal bleeding. I feared it might be broken.

In an unfamiliar country, with an injured child, uncertain of what to do, I was at a loss. But by the grace of God the other van, having stopped at a computer store, arrived about five minutes after the accident.

Beth immediately displayed her strength. Churning on the inside, she remained calm. She was steady. She was decisive. Joel did not seem to be in immediate danger – we could go on to Bamenda where much better medical care was available.

That night in an email to supporters, I wrote: “[I was] so thankful to have her there, with her always cool head and uncommon good sense.”

Strength and dignity are her clothing.

Third: The excellent wife is trustworthy

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

Verse 12 is the foundation of verse 11. Because the husband knows she is doing him good, not harm, always, he trusts her.

At one point a few years ago I was upset about something Beth had said or done that could be interpreted as unsupportive. I felt as if she wasn’t behind me. So I communicated this to her at some length. When I finally stopped talking, she initially didn’t say anything, instead just looking at me. Then very calmly, very graciously, she simply said, “After all these years, don’t you know me?”

I did know her then – and she called me back to what I knew.

I trust her completely. I can hardly imagine not trusting her.

Fourth: The excellent wife speaks wisdom

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:26)

It’s possible to be wise without communicating that wisdom. Wise instruction is as important as wise actions.

The phrase rendered “teaching of kindness” in the ESV is difficult to translate; others render it “law of kindness,” “faithful instruction,” or “loving instruction.” The main idea: How do you live a life of loyal love before your spouse, your family, your neighbors, and society?

Titus 2:3-4 gives a partial answer: Older women are “to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children.” It has been my great privilege to see Beth live this out in private conversations, in pre-marital counseling, in crisis counseling, and in our family.

Fifth: The excellent wife is a diligent provider

The point here is not simply that she meets physical needs. Rather, she loves her family by providing food and clothing.

Much of the chapter details how she does this:

  • She “works with willing hands” (Proverbs 31:13)
  • “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27)
  • She brings food, makes cloth, makes bed coverings, and sells garments she has made (Proverbs 31:14, 19, 22, 24)
  • “She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household” (Proverbs 31:15)

We all are faced with an abundance of temptations to fritter away our time. We can spend hours and hours flipping through items on our phone, seeking entertainment and thrills, keeping up with the latest news or gossip or sports information, to no good effect.

Beth is much like this Proverbs 31 wife. A relaxing evening for her is spent in her sewing studio, or reading a good book – often a book recommended by one of her children or friends, thus deepening that relationship.

Sixth: Through her diligence, her household is safe and secure

  • “She laughs at the time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).
  • “She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet (Proverbs 31:21).

These verses help us properly interpret this often misunderstood verse:

“Her lamp does not go out at night” (Proverbs 31:18).

Verse 18 refers not to her diligence, but to the security of her household. The lamp of the household’s prosperity continues even in dark times

Remember, Scripture tells us proper sleep is a gift of God: “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2). Proverbs 31 commends disciplined, productive work, accompanied by restful sleep, as you trust in the Lord.

Seventh: She is generous and sincerely concerned

“She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20).

Generosity includes much more than providing monetary support. We can give money and not be “generous” in a biblical sense (see this sermon from 2014 text audio).

Beth lives out the showing of sincere concern in practical ways. Several years ago she reached out to a young Burmese mother. After learning who she was and what she was missing, she began to teach her to sew. Now the Make Welcome sewing ministry teaches dozens of students; many make clothes for themselves and their families, and several graduates are employed doing what they love.

Make Welcome is about much more than money and clothes, however. The time together produces joy, smiles, friendships, healing, safety – and they all hear of Jesus, whatever their religious background.

Eighth: The excellent wife blesses her husband

“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31:23)

The husband is respected because of what he has become through his wife. Just so in our marriage. I am a far better pastor, a far better father, and a far better son because of who Beth is, because of how she has influenced me, because of how God has changed me through her.

Ninth: So her family praises her

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:28-29)

What does the husband mean by, “You surpass them all”?

He is not making an objective, comparative statement of fact: “I have investigated all other wives, all other women, and you come out on top!” That would be impossible – but that also would be of zero importance in God’s economy (rather akin to Jesus’ disciples arguing about who is the greatest).

Rather, “You surpass them all” is similar to the statement about sexual desire in Proverbs 5:19:  “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” It is good and right for my sexual desires to flow deeply towards Beth; indeed, I should work to deepen those desires, yet keep them well-channeled toward her alone.

So the message from Proverbs 5 is: “I have the privilege of knowing you sexually in ways no one else can, and I have the deepest delight in who you are, who we are together.”

The similar message of Proverbs 31 is: “I have the privilege of knowing your character, your love, your wisdom in ways no one else can, and I have the deepest delight in who you are, who we are together.”

And to you, Beth, I add: Some can give an appearance of deep wisdom and love for others. I see you at all times – I see you even at your worst. And I praise you for genuine wisdom and genuine love.

So husbands and families: Delight in the way God has used and strengthened your excellent wife or mother. Thank Him for her fear of Him for the wisdom she therefore has. State your appreciation for the role she plays in society, in your family, and in your personal life.

So here we are, forty years into our marriage. God took two naïve young people and made us one; He has guarded that unity these four decades. Maybe He will give us another four decades of marriage. Maybe we have little additional time together.

But, Beth: To live as one with you has been a huge privilege. I delight in who you are, in how you reflect the person of Jesus, in how you love me when I am unlovable, in your gracious wisdom and diligent service, in your genuine beauty and enduring charm, in your love for our Savior and your delight in Him.

Thank you for forty years of ever-deepening delight.

All of you, ask: What other women do I know who exemplify some aspects of this practical wisdom?

  • Praise them.
  • Emulate them.
  • Encourage them.
  • Listen to their instruction in how to love.

For the excellent wife of Proverbs 31 fears the Lord. She knows that apart from God’s grace, there is no hope for her and others. She knows that Lady Wisdom is a pointer to Jesus: He calls. He says, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). The excellent wife knows rest is found nowhere else, only endless striving or destructive dissipation. She knows that various deceitful calls of Folly all lead us away from dependence on the Lord Jesus.

So listen to her. Like her, fear the Lord. And thereby deserve the praise that accords to the excellent wife.

The Grace to Forgive, the Grace to be Made Holy

Someone sins against you terribly. You have a choice: Do you forgive or not?

At one level, the biblical answer is easy: Of course you forgive. When Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive the repetitious sin of his brother seven times, Jesus replies, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22). If someone hits you on the right cheek, you are to turn the other to him also (Matthew 5:39).

These and other Scriptures emphasize that we are not to take personal offense. We are not to become bitter. We are not to hold grudges. We are to forgive one another from the heart. Indeed, we are to put the interests of the other above our own.

Yet that last statement can lead to questions about how we respond to sin against us. If we really have the interests of our sinning brother or sister at heart, we want them to cease from this sin. Surely that is in their interests. If our attitude towards their sin enables further sin, aren’t we harming our brother or sister by that attitude?

Consider a common example, in biblical times as well as in our own: A spouse commits adultery. Is forgiveness the right response? Or does forgiveness enable further sin – “My spouse will always forgive me, so I might as well continue to fulfill my desires”?

In this case, we have a specific example in the book of Hosea. And the answer is rather complex.

God tells Hosea to marry Gomer, a promiscuous woman who will continue having affairs after their marriage. This violation of the marriage covenant pictures God’s people violating their covenant with Him.

Gomer’s adulteries eventually lead her to being sold in the slave market. Yet God tells Hosea once again:

“Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods.”…  So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver…. And I said to her, “You must dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” (From Hosea 3:1-3).

At God’s command, Hosea shows his wife great grace – buying the one who is already his, paying the price for her! This is tremendous forgiveness.

But this is not a license for her to continue in sin. Hosea is explicit: Their future relationship must be made pure; the adultery must cease. He must not respond to her sin by paying her back with his own affair; she must never return to that unfaithful life.

Just so with God and the people of Israel. God disciplines His unfaithful people (Hosea 2:5-13), eventually even destroying their country and sending them into exile. Yet all this is for redemptive purposes: He allures her, He speaks tenderly to her (Hosea 2:14), He purifies her now and forever:

I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. (Hosea 2:19-20)

So Hosea exemplifies not only God’s forgiving love, but also His cleansing, sanctifying love. The restoration of the relationship is not an invitation to further sin; it does not enable further sin; rather, it is the opportunity for the relationship to become what God always intended marriage to be: An exclusive one-flesh relationship that in love, in grace, in mercy, and in holiness pictures His relationship with His people.

And this is what we find as part of the Bride of Christ: If we see God’s forgiveness in Christ as a license to sin without consequences, we are sorely wrong. We dishonor God. We trample on the blood of Christ (Hebrews 10:26-29). Indeed, if we persist in that attitude, we will receive no forgiveness. God does not forgive us so that we might continue in sin.

Rather, we are like Gomer: God forgives us so that we, His Bride, guilty of being adulteresses in the past, might return and seek Him, and so recognize and come to His goodness, thereby living to the praise of His glorious grace.

If that’s the relationship between God and His people – if that’s the reality behind every marriage, indeed, behind every marriage stained by adultery – how can we live out these truths, how can we picture these realities when we are sinned against?

These Scriptures lead to four clear principles – even though the outworking of the principles in specific cases is challenging:

First: Offer complete personal forgiveness. This does not downplay the severity of the sin against you; rather, this magnifies the extent of your much greater sin against God, for which He has forgiven you in Christ (Matthew 18:21-35).

Second: The sin should not remain secret, only known to the two of you. The adulteries of Gomer, the spiritual adultery of the people of Israel, are made public. How many people should know about this sin will vary from case to case. If the couple is part of a grace-oriented church that effectively practices church discipline, discussing the sin before the church body can be an important part of the healing process. But in every case, bring in wise Christians who are biblically sound and desire both your good and the glory of God – even if, especially if, the erring spouse does not want that to happen. Covering up the sin may seem to be good for the sinner, but it is that very cover-up that enables and makes more likely future sin. And that is the worst that can happen to the sinner.

Third: Work to restore unity and trust. Both have been violated terribly. Yet God has made the two one, even though we have worked to destroy that unity. Nevertheless, what God has joined together, man must not separate (Matthew 19:6). The restoration of unity and trust will take time; a period of physical separation may be part of the process of restoration. Once again, including others at this stage is necessary. Form a plan on how to go forward together with a wise Christian couple, and build in accountability for both spouses to that plan.

Finally: Christ perfects His Bride, making her holy (Ephesians 5:25-27). We see one way that happens in Hosea 2:14, where God says to His unfaithful Bride: “I will allure her … and speak tenderly to her.” Love the errant spouse. Woo him or her. Not in a grasping, needy sense – “I can’t live without you, please come back to me!” – but out of confidence in God, out of trust in His sovereign kindness, knowing you are forgiven such great sin, and knowing that He can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26), He can grant repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth and escape from the trap of the devil (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Love – and pray for God to act.

By God’s grace, your errant spouse – and anyone who sins terribly against you – can be a living example of God’s forgiving, redeeming, perfecting love. You can be His agent in bringing that about. The pain is real. The sin is great. Justice must be done. But if you are in Christ, justice was implemented at the cross; you are forgiven a much greater sin. So forgive from the heart. And may God be pleased to work through you and other Christians to glorify His Name even through such a terrible sin.

An Excellent Wife Who Can Find?

Friday September 29 marks 40 years since our first date.  Beth and I were students at Davidson. I had been in Kenya from January to August; Beth had been in Europe spring term, then worked in Shenandoah National Park during the summer. That year she lived in Mt Mourne, off campus. After cross country practice that Thursday, I drove out to her house; we mixed and kneaded bread, leaving it to rise while we went for a walk in the woods nearby (now Lowes corporate headquarters).  Returning, we baked the bread, made a salad, ate the first of thousands of wonderful meals together, and then looked at slides from Kenya and discussed what that trip meant.

When most of my friends asked me about Kenya, they wanted a five minute response. I was frustrated with that – the time in East Africa had affected me profoundly, and I was sorting through how I had changed. Beth, on the other hand, wanted a several hour response. She asked questions. She listened. She talked about how Europe and Shenandoah had affected her.

Five weeks previously my girlfriend of over two years had broken up with me. I had rather enjoyed dating just for fun in the intervening weeks, and was in no way looking for another serious, long-term relationship. But as I drove home that night I knew: Either Beth and I were not going to keep seeing each other, or this would be a serious relationship. And I couldn’t imagine not seeing her.

I just about destroyed the relationship right at the beginning. A few days after our first date, while walking down Main St, I ran into a girl I had dated a few times. We started going the same direction – and she took my hand. I was uncomfortable, but I had not yet said anything to her about Beth, and that didn’t seem the time or place to talk. So we were holding hands, and Beth drove by. I didn’t see her. She did see me – us – but wondered, was that really Coty? Beth decided to forget about it.

Two years and three months after that first date, we were married. That’s how I found an excellent wife.

At the time, I did not even know how to describe an excellent wife biblically. My conception of marriage was quite a mishmash of popular culture, marriages I had seen, and not-well-thought-out ideas about partnership and equality. But in God’s grace, He put the two of us together, made the two of us one on December 29, 1979, and has since washed us with the water of the Word, strengthened us by His Spirit, and nourished us through each other.

“Charm Is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). So let me turn to praise:

Beth, your outer beauty is fleeting only in the sense that everything in this world is passing away. In forty years, there has rarely been a time when I did not think you were the most beautiful woman in the room. Thank you for the attention you pay to your health, to your physical condition – and thank you for the many runs, hikes, and rides we have done together.

But your inner beauty is beyond compare. Even in Davidson days, an older man said of you, “She is so gentle – and yet so strong!” Those words characterize you time and again. You have displayed your strength in six births, after traffic accidents, in emergency room visits, when I have let you down, and when others have hurt us. And you have shown your gentleness to our children and grandchildren, to weeping friends, and to a hurting husband.

Naturally God graced you with these traits. Supernaturally He expanded and extended them, in calling you to Himself, in gracing You with His Spirit, in implanting in you a deep love for Him. He enabled you to be as He is in the world (1 John 4:17), to show not only your natural gentleness and strength, but to point to His gentleness, His strength, His forgiveness, His love, His goodness. And you display Who He is daily, hourly – whether through teaching a refugee woman to sew, helping your parents build a walkway, or laughing with your children about our foibles.

Thank you for helping me to see our unity, and for being my ally in the fight to maintain and deepen it. “They are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, man must not separate” (Mark 10:8-9). As you know, in Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy says of Levin and Kitty (in the middle of a fight!), “He could not now tell where she ended and he began.”  Just so with us. Our lives are intertwined, molded together – not in an unhealthy codependency, but, strengthened by our Lord, complete in Him, together we miraculously picture the unity of Christ and His Church. What a privilege to do that together with you.

Beth, you are far more precious than rubies. I love you with all my heart. Should God grant us another forty years together, I will be blessed above all men.