{"id":2836,"date":"2020-02-06T19:32:31","date_gmt":"2020-02-06T19:32:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.desiringgodchurch.org\/web\/?p=2836"},"modified":"2022-11-04T19:18:25","modified_gmt":"2022-11-04T19:18:25","slug":"my-excellent-wife-my-valentine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.desiringgodchurch.org\/web\/2020\/02\/06\/my-excellent-wife-my-valentine\/","title":{"rendered":"My Excellent Wife, My Valentine"},"content":{"rendered":"

[This devotion is a shortened, edited version of the sermon preached December 29, 2019, our fortieth wedding anniversary. You can listen to that sermon via this link<\/a>.]<\/p>\n

In the afternoon of December 29, 1979, Beth and I were married.<\/p>\n

Though we didn\u2019t really understand what was happening, in that ceremony God made the two one (Matthew 19:6).<\/p>\n

In the following days, we spent some time at Surfside Beach, pondering what had happened. I had thought that since we already loved each other, since we already were committed to each other, the ceremony would just act to formalize our relationship for others; the relationship itself wouldn\u2019t change all that much.<\/p>\n

How wrong I was. How ignorant of biblical truth. I began to get a taste of that truth during those days at Surfside.<\/p>\n

As Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina concerning a fight between spouses early in a good marriage:<\/p>\n

It was then that [Levin] clearly understood for the first time what he had failed to understand when he led [Kitty] out of the church after the wedding. He understood that she was not only close to him, but that he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He realized it from the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he experienced at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized that he could not be offended with her because she was himself.<\/p>\n

Beth and I have been one now for forty years. Out of that unity, I want to fulfill Romans 12:10 by showing honor to Beth, this excellent wife, via Proverbs 31.<\/p>\n

In Proverbs 7, a father warns his son against the allure and call of an adulterous wife. In contrast, Proverbs 8 consists of the call of another woman: Wisdom personified. Lady Wisdom says that to fear the Lord not only leads to our avoiding<\/u> evil but to our hating<\/u> it (Proverbs 8:13).<\/p>\n

Then Proverbs 9 presents both Lady Wisdom and Dame Folly calling out to us. Wisdom calls us to find true life in following God; Folly calls us to rebel against Him, which leads to death.<\/p>\n

So we must listen to Lady Wisdom, wisdom personified, and reject Dame Folly.<\/p>\n

Proverbs 31 concludes the book, and once again calls upon us to look to a woman for wisdom. But in this chapter we look not to wisdom personified in the abstract, but to wisdom lived out in our mothers and our wives. This chapter gives us examples of different ways wives and mothers are like Lady Wisdom, so that we might learn to live wisely ourselves day by day, whether we are male or female, old or young, married or single.<\/p>\n

So now let\u2019s turn to the text. I\u2019ll identify nine characteristics of the excellent wife, and share some examples of how Beth lives the out.<\/p>\n

First: The excellent wife is wise, fearing the Lord<\/u><\/p>\n

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)<\/p>\n

The theme of Proverbs is that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom. Thus, we should train our daughters and sons to have such fear, and praise those who live it out.<\/p>\n

But often instead we reserve our greatest praise of others for their charm and physical beauty.<\/p>\n

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with charm and beauty. However, Dame Folly can appear charming and beautiful. Thus charm and beauty can be deceitful, for they promise what they on their own cannot deliver: endless joy in delighting in physical beauty or an engaging personality. Physical beauty will fade; every personality is flawed \u2013 for all have sinned. So if you trust in charm and physical beauty, you will be disappointed.<\/p>\n

Understand: It is good and right for me to delight in Beth\u2019s physical beauty; it is good and right for me to be attracted by her charm. Indeed, I should cultivate those desires, and deepen them towards her (see this sermon on Proverbs 5 and 6 text<\/a> audio<\/a>). But her beauty and charm are not<\/em> deceptive because she fears the Lord, because she has biblical wisdom. So that <\/em>is the most important reason to praise her<\/p>\n

Second: The wife is excellent and strong<\/u><\/p>\n

\u201cAn excellent wife who can find?\u201d\u00a0 (Proverbs 31:10). \u201cMany women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:29). Other translations render the the word translated \u201cexcellent\u201d as \u201cnoble\u201d or \u201cvirtuous.\u201d Yet the underlying Hebrew word includes a connotation that none of those English words communicate: Strong. Indeed, \u201cstrength\u201d is the root meaning of the Hebrew word. It is used, for example of Gideon in the phrase translated \u201cmighty man of valor\u201d (Judges 6:12). One translator thus translates the word, \u201cvaliant.\u201d<\/p>\n

The wife\u2019s strength is emphasized in Proverbs 31:17 (\u201cShe dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong\u201d) and Proverbs 31:25 (\u201cStrength and dignity [or \u2018majesty\u2019]) are her clothing.\u201d)<\/p>\n

So this woman is virtuous, honorable, and strong; she has the moral character and fortitude to be a blessing to her family and to her society.<\/p>\n

I could tell multiple stories of Beth displaying such strength, but one in particular stands out. In August of 2001, we flew to Cameroon to serve for an academic year at a seminary. The day after our arrival, we apportioned our sixteen boxes of luggage and six children in two vans to make the eight-hour drive from Douala to Bamenda. I was in the van driven by Victor, together with three sons including our youngest, six-year-old Joel. The other van with Beth and the rest of the family had left Douala prior to us.<\/p>\n

About two hours into the trip, we came around a corner to find a pickup laden with fruit making a U-turn right in front of us. Victor tried to avoid the vehicle, but we hit the right rear of the truck hard. Something smashed the windshield; our luggage rammed forward, breaking the anchors in the rear seat, pushing it against the front seats. I jumped out of the car and opened the rear door. My two older boys were shaken and somewhat bloodied, but seemed ok. Joel, however, had a deep puncture wound in his leg. The calf was hard as a rock from internal bleeding. I feared it might be broken.<\/p>\n

In an unfamiliar country, with an injured child, uncertain of what to do, I was at a loss. But by the grace of God the other van, having stopped at a computer store, arrived about five minutes after the accident.<\/p>\n

Beth immediately displayed her strength. Churning on the inside, she remained calm. She was steady. She was decisive. Joel did not seem to be in immediate danger \u2013 we could go on to Bamenda where much better medical care was available.<\/p>\n

That night in an email to supporters<\/a>, I wrote: \u201c[I was] so thankful to have her there, with her always cool head and uncommon good sense.\u201d<\/p>\n

Strength and dignity are her clothing.<\/p>\n

Third: The excellent wife is trustworthy<\/u><\/p>\n

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)<\/p>\n

Verse 12 is the foundation of verse 11. Because the husband knows she is doing him good, not harm, always, he trusts her.<\/p>\n

At one point a few years ago I was upset about something Beth had said or done that could be interpreted as unsupportive. I felt as if she wasn\u2019t behind me. So I communicated this to her at some length. When I finally stopped talking, she initially didn\u2019t say anything, instead just looking at me. Then very calmly, very graciously, she simply said, \u201cAfter all these years, don\u2019t you know me?\u201d<\/p>\n

I did<\/em> know her then \u2013 and she called me back to what I knew.<\/p>\n

I trust her completely. I can hardly imagine not trusting her.<\/p>\n

Fourth: The excellent wife speaks wisdom<\/u><\/p>\n

\u201cShe opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:26)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible to be wise without communicating that wisdom. Wise instruction is as important as wise actions.<\/p>\n

The phrase rendered \u201cteaching of kindness\u201d in the ESV is difficult to translate; others render it \u201claw of kindness,\u201d \u201cfaithful instruction,\u201d or \u201cloving instruction.\u201d The main idea: How do you live a life of loyal love before your spouse, your family, your neighbors, and society?<\/p>\n

Titus 2:3-4 gives a partial answer: Older women are \u201cto teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children.\u201d It has been my great privilege to see Beth live this out in private conversations, in pre-marital counseling, in crisis counseling, and in our family.<\/p>\n

Fifth: The excellent wife is a diligent provider<\/u><\/p>\n

The point here is not simply that she meets physical needs. Rather, she loves her family <\/em>by providing food and clothing.<\/p>\n

Much of the chapter details how she does this:<\/p>\n