Dealing With Trials in Marriage

[By Carrie Vaughns. Carrie gave this devotion at Angela Otchere’s bridal shower on August 25. ]

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” – James 1:2-4

I’m sure many of us have heard sermons related to James 1:2 when James said to ‘count it all joy’ when we encounter trials. Typically, those sermons focus on the “joy” part. But what is ever said about the “when” part?  Notice that James doesn’t say “if” you meet trials. He says ‘WHEN you meet trials’. And then he follows that up by saying ‘trials of various kinds’. So in other words, you MOST DEFINITELY will face ALL types of trials in this life. And in marriage with two sinners in covenant relationship with each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do they part, the trials will be multiplied. So Angie: with this being said, I felt it would be good to talk about how best to prepare, before the trials in marriage come.

  • ELIMINATE “NEGATIVE THINKING” – When trials in marriage come our way, it’s very easy to entertain a negative thought, it’s very easy to justify a bitter attitude, and it’s very easy to harden our hearts toward our husbands. Those of us here who are married know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s not like we pray for negative thoughts and bitter attitudes towards our husbands. In the spur of the moment when the trial rears its head, these thoughts and attitudes just pop up out of nowhere! And if they aren’t dealt with, they could lead to hardness of heart, long term hardship and marital strife, and enmity against our husbands. But praise God that we have a remedy in scripture. In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Apostle Paul tells us to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”. Take EVERY single thought captive. Are we filling our minds and hearts with the Word of God or with ideas that are destructive?  Are we looking to apply biblical principles to everyday circumstances, or do we choose worry or condemnation as our default response?
  • CHECK YOUR PRIDE AT THE DOOR – Pride and insecurity form the root of many struggles in marriage. They manifest themselves in a number of ways: an unyielding desire to be right, not wanting to lose face with my spouse or others, a reluctance to admit needing help or wise counsel, a refusal to look at my own inadequacies and inconsistencies. Proverbs 16:18 says “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” When the heart is filled with pride, you will fall over and over and your marital struggles will increase more and more. We must always be examining our hearts; we must always pray and ask the Holy Spirit: Are there areas in our hearts that stubbornly refuse to bend to the Lord’s instruction due to pride? Also, constantly ask yourself: “Am I trusting the accountability partners God has placed in my life when they see a red flag that needs my attention?”
  • FORGIVE AND APOLOGIZE FREELY – Piggybacking off the pride theme from the last point: everyone in this room has at one time or another struggled with pride because our hearts can be very prideful. Pride causes us to not want to admit and apologize when we sin and causes us to not want to forgive and move on when we’ve been sinned against. So therefore, in marriage we have to LEARN how to apologize quickly and forgive our spouses. The ability to forgive and apologize is absolutely VITAL in marriage because when you have two flawed sinners living life together under one roof day in and day out, you are going to sin against one another. Over and over and over. So, you’ve got to be able to admit and apologize when you sin against your husband and you’ve got to be able to forgive and move on when he sins against you. And how do we do this? By being humble. Scripture tells us in James 4:6 ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ As we grow in humility, we will grow and learn to forgive when we’ve been sinned against and to admit, apologize, and repent when we’ve committed sin.
  • HONOR YOUR SPOUSE WITH YOUR WORDS – Always seek opportunities to honor, build up, and praise your husband because God has entrusted a lot of responsibilities to him as the head of the home and the leader of the family. He has a lot on his plate and he’ll need constant encouragement because this is not an easy path that God has called him to walk. However, there will come times in your marriage when you’ll have to confide in someone about issues, problems, and struggles that you and your husband are going through. And sometimes there may be things that are discussed that will cause your husband to be put in a negative light. While Scripture teaches us to seek wise counsel (Proverbs 12:15), it also warns us that, “a gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence” (Proverbs 11:13). It is wise to choose a small group of trusted advisors for accountability and counsel. However, failing to guard what you say about your husband to others (especially if it’s negative) is not wise at all.
  • SUBMISSION and UNITY – Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Pastor John Piper describes biblical submission like this: “Submission is the calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership, and to help carry it through according to her gifts.” As wives, we are to come alongside our husbands and to honor and affirm their leadership. We are also to make them feel appreciated, admired, respected and loved. It may sound easy but it can be quite challenging to do, especially in those moments when he’s not leading well and not loving you well. But that’s the call for us wives. And the beauty of the call is that our Sovereign God calls us to it and He provides us wives with sufficient grace to live it out. Our husbands get the encouragement, we get the joy, God gets the glory.
    Along with submission is unity. Two become one; you are equal with him. He is your ally, not your enemy. Theologian Matthew Henry beautifully describes marital unity like this: “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

Angie, these are just some things that I wanted to share with you as you get closer to the big day. Three weeks from today, you and Rob will say “I do” and commit to each other for life. And praise God that many of us will have the privilege of witnessing that! But rest assured, the marriage trials WILL come. So get ready. Hopefully there are things from this devotion that will help you prepare for them. And even though you have an adversary who hates marriage and would like nothing more than to see you fall from the trials and to try to separate what God has joined together, you serve a Sovereign God who loves you and Rob unconditionally and is faithful to uphold and sustain you through any trial and tribulation that you will face. May the Lord bIess you and keep you, sister!

The Best Valentines Gift

Today is Valentines Day. What gift are you giving?

For those of you who are married: Do you want to give your husband or wife the greatest possible gift?

Let me tell you what that is: The greatest gift you could possibly give to your spouse would be to commit to living out your role as a Christian wife or a Christian husband by the power of the Spirit.

The book of Ephesians tells us how to do this. And the lessons begin not in chapter 5, but right at the beginning of the book.

The church, Christ’s bride, is chosen in Him before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight (1:4). But He doesn’t say, “I’ve chosen you – so go make yourself worthy of Me!” Far from it. He Himself does the work to make us holy and blameless: He redeems us by His blood, thereby forgiving our trespasses (1:7). He even stamps His seal on us, giving us the Holy Spirit Himself; He guarantees that we will be holy and blameless, for He is the One who will transform us into Christ’s bride (1:13-14).

In chapter 2, Paul explains more of what this involves. We, on our own, were far from looking like an attractive, potential bride. Indeed, spiritually we were dead, decomposing, stinking, repugnant. We were naturally the objects of God’s judgment and wrath, not His love (2:1-3). But God loved us even in that disgusting state and united us to Christ, the giver of life. He raised us with Him, and even seated us with Christ on His throne in the heavenlies, the spiritual realm, so that He might show all just how rich His grace is (2:4-7).

Given that we deserve judgment but received mercy only because of God’s grace, and given that He chose us so that we might be holy and blameless, how should we then live? As new men, not as old men! We are made alive in Christ – yet we still live in this world and are tempted to behave like we did before. But knowing who we truly are, we are to put off that old, disgusting self. For those old ways of living are deadly; indeed, they are death. Instead, since we are children of God, act like it! We are “to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (4:24). You were once darkness, but now are light! Walk in the light, not in the darkness (5:8)! Take care, consider the way you walk – for it indicates who you are (5:15)!

How are we to do that while still living in fallen bodies in a fallen world? Only by tapping into the same power that made us alive in Christ: that is, by being filled with the Spirit, every minute of every day (5:18). For being filled with the Spirit is not an emotional experience (though joy should accompany any true filling). The Spirit empowers us to live as children of light.

The key test for whether or not we are filled with the Spirit comes in marriage. For marriage reflects the very relationship between Christ and the church that the entire book of Ephesians describes (5:32). In marriage, we have the opportunity to live out before the world what Christ has done for us: Giving us grace that we don’t deserve, loving us when we are unlovable. We then can model the unity, love, headship and submission, and perfection that characterize the relationship of Christ to the church.

For wives, the test is: When your husband is unlovable and harsh and demanding and deserving of wrath, do you nevertheless submit to him in everything (5:22-24)? And not only do you submit – do you also maintain an inner attitude of respect (5:32), even when you think he is wrong, even when you think he is misguided? Will you model the perfect, spotless Church in her response to Christ?

For husbands the test is: When your wife is unlovable and unresponsive and cold, do you nevertheless love her as Christ loved the church, laying down your personal preferences and desires for her? Will you give up yourself for her? Will you model Christ?

When husband and wife live out these truths, the marriage blossoms. When one partner lives out these truths, he or she is a great gift to the spouse, and becomes a glorious picture to the world of the grace of God.

So yes, indeed: The greatest gift you can give your husband or wife is to commit to living out your role in marriage by the power of the Spirit.

Let me emphasize those last five words: “By the power of the Spirit.” Because if you are like me, you husbands are thinking that you cannot possibly love your wife like Christ loved the church. And you women are thinking that you cannot possibly submit to your husbands in everything. I assure you, all of us struggle with this. Jesus tells us to be perfect as he is perfect. And not one of us is perfect.

But God has promised that His people will become perfect – He will change us and mold us into Christlikeness. Count on that!

Satan will try to say one of two things:

“You’re doing well enough in your marriage, at least better than most others; don’t be fanatical about this – you don’t need to change anything.” But I tell you, don’t be satisfied with a marriage that is less than perfect. Examine yourself. If you are failing to live up to these ideals, confess this to God, and ask Him to change you.

Or Satan might say, “It’s no use. If you could start over, maybe you could make this marriage work. But given your spouse, given all that has happened in your marriage, there is no hope.”

This is a pack of lies. Now, by yourselves you cannot change the habits of relating to each other you have created. “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). If you try to change through depending on your own natural resources, you will fail. But remember these great truths from Ephesians:

You are raised with Christ; you are seated with him in the heavenlies!

You are light; You can walk as children of Light!

You can be filled with the Spirit!

All this is true. By conscious, continual dependence on the Spirit within you, you can forgive your spouse, you can change old, negative patterns of relating to each other; you can live out the ideal Christian marriage.

So let us learn to walk by the Spirit in our marriages, imitating the relationship between Christ and the church.

Husbands, love your wives.

Wives, respect and submit to your husbands.
May that be today’s Valentines gift.

(This is, in part, an excerpt from a longer document on marriage that Beth and I have written. See it in its entirety at this link.)

Submission and Disagreement

(For a version of this devotion that is easier to print, follow this link.)

In Sunday’s sermon, we looked at Hebrews 13:17, which reads in the NIV:

Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you.

In discussing this verse, I said, “Submission only comes into play when there is a disagreement.”

Several of you have asked (respectfully and submissively!) if this is correct, particularly considering that God the Son submits to God the Father. Surely there is no disagreement between them!

This is an excellent point, and many thanks for the input. I’ll correct my statement briefly next Sunday; here let me elaborate on the idea more fully than will be possible in the sermon. Consider first the nature of God the Son’s submission to God the Father: (more…)